Wednesday, December 12, 2012

How To Be Evil: A Survival Guide

You're well-liked, love most everybody you meet, and have no enemies.  Animals and children adore you.  You haven't been in a fight since grade school.  Among your friends are those who would willingly take a bullet for you -- if you would allow them.  Doing the right thing has always been easiest, and you are hardest on yourself.

It's time to face facts:  you're a rare kind of person -- a good one.  People love having you around, but you and they are under no illusions:  this world is run by and populated with evil, shitty, scum-sucking louts.  It's a wonder you've lasted this long.  Your chances of reaching old age are small indeed.

The following is a brief list of tips on how to be evil.  Being evil can give you a real shot at longevity, and if you're lucky, wealth even:

  • Stop blaming yourself, start blaming the world.
  • Take pleasure in another's pain.
  • Lie your ass off.
  • Prejudice saves time.
  • Be the spoiled brat whose ass even non-confrontational you would have kicked in elementary school.
  • Show a sense of entitlement and learn to disrespect others.
  • Reward yourself for acting cruelly or angrily.
  • Hypocrisy is not the enemy.
  • Give avarice and jealousy a try.
  • Learn and appreciate how to hate.
  • Hurt someone's feelings.
  • Tell people what do do -- dominate and control.
  • Manipulate people using their basest instincts.
  • Treat people horribly and get them to do what you want.
  • Kindness is weakness, and weakness is contemptible.
  • Stop valuing anyone who lacks physical beauty, money, or power.
  • Transition from good conduct to superior attitude.
  • Be egotistical.
  • Strangle your conscience.
  • Be snide and mean.
  • Stupidity is the buttercream frosting on the cake that is evil.
  • Stop laughing at yourself -- laugh at someone else!
  • Cultivate boredom and dissatisfaction.
  • Seethe with resentment.
Be a monster!  Evil's never been so easy!