Snake Oil Pitch

We see it every day in the news:  crime, war, sex, drugs, corruption, bad driving.  If only you had the world's ear...

Are people too much for you?  Do they seem out of control?  Don't you wish you could take them in hand and put them where you know they need to be -- where you know they'd be better off?  Try Doctor E's patented program.  Now this is no easy pharmaceutical fix, but a holistic approach that uses Doctor E's proprietary formula combined with a no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners mental program administered by a crack team of behavioral healthcare technicians who know and understand just what you're sure is wrong with the world today.

We can fix your problem, which is that until now you had no way to administer your solution to everyone else's problems (which as we are all aware are right in front of their noses -- if only someone was there to tell them!)  You know what everybody needs, and now, with Doctor E's amazing program, someone's come up with a way to help you get there.

Call now with your credit card at the ready to order your one-of-a-kind panacea for a world gone haywire.  You just know everybody would agree with you -- here's your best chance of convincing them!

(Offer available in California, Maryland, Virginia, Florida, Texas, and Washington, D.C. only.  Our basic package is available for three monthly installments of $1,000,000,000.99 and includes the controversial-yet-sexy elderly/addict/schizophrenics demographic management and containment program.  Megalomaniacal supervillains, please ask for our Prerogatives Extras -- a modestly priced perk for the admirably ambitious and in no way hypocrisy-ridden.)

From Doctor E, creator of psychic, non-smoking Sea Monkeys.  Doctor E, a name you can trust!

"You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs,"  says Donald Rumsfeld -- he knows our program works.  Check out our brochure for other celebrity endorsements.